I have made a decision. A decision to make my life better. A decision that will hopefully bring me much happiness. A decision that will help me become healthier. A decision that will influence the rest of my life.

I have decided to get a gastric bypass.

I have struggled with being overweight my entire life. I have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, acid reflux,  pcos, and often a case of...I'm too fat to do that shit today.  I'm at the point in my life where I want to have children, be healthier, be able to play and run around with them, and want to be confident in myself.

My health is my main concern. If I want to have babies, I have to be healthier. I have quit smoking, watch what i eat, and have recently gone gluten free. I've messed up a bit, with being gluten free, here and there and then feel like crap for a few days, but hop right back on that GF wagon.  I have tried every diet known to man and have cried myself to sleep many nights wondering why this fat won't  budge and leave! I have overeaten, I've been embarrassed to eat out or at family functions, and have gone days without eating thinking maybe it will magically disappear. Clearly, I'm a wee bit delusional. At times, I envy the "skinny" people. In contrast, at times I don't give a crap.

I love (eyerolls),the skinny people that say "just work out", "don't eat so much", blah, blah, freakin blah. Few tidbits for the "friends" that think that....you can work out 7 days a week for hours at a time and you will lose the weight.  I could starve myself and still be overweight. I could do everything right, and still not lose a pound. I could do this or that and still be the big girl with fabulous hair.  The stereotypes that certain people give to other certain people are insulting, degradating, disrespectful, and just full of shit. If you are the bully or bullies that have walked past a happy big girl with fabulous hair  and have called that said big girl a "fat bitch"...

Shame. On. You. You don't know her story, you don't know what has happened to her, mind your own dang business and bully your other bully friends you jerk! If this has happened to you, you know what I'm talking about. It stings.  Hard. It is enraging. It is embarrassing. It is hard on the heart. And, just makes you want to cry. Then you have these wonderful friends that say "Who? What did they say? Which ones? We will beat them up". Great. That may make me all giddy inside for a few minutes, but not change the ignorance that these bullies possess. I could go on and on about all the assholes that I have encountered in my 35 years on this Earth. I remember every single one of them. Really, I do.

Many of my friends know that my surgical date is fastly approaching. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm giddy. I'm worried. Every single emotion you can think of is flooding my soon to be scrambled up insides. Im sure it will only get worse as the date gets closer. I know the risks. I know the rewards. I want kids and this is what I'm doing to get there.