Well, it is done and there is no going back now.  I had gastric bypass last week.

I worked 15 hours on Memorial Day and was completely exhausted. We checked in at 5 am the next day, had surgery, and was to my room by 8:45 am. I was the first surgery of the day and the easiest by his report. All I remember is laughing at the adorable anesthesiologist and getting centered on the very small surgical table. Seriously though, itty bitty surgical table...bypass on large people....bad idea.  Hubby also reported that I was trying to grab the walls as they were wheeling me from post-op to my room. Strange. I vaguely remember that little bit.

When I actually could think clearly, I began to question myself. Why me? Why in the hell did I do this? Does everyone hurt this bad? Did something go wrong? None of the above. I was in some nasty horrible pain and just having regrets. Everything went great and I was experiencing the normal amount of pain. A good friend of mine said the pain was worse than labor! I didnt really have anything to compare it to except for a sinus surgery. It was not incisional pain, but stomach muscle and pain with the drain coming out of my right side. And gas pain! Lord, I have never had gas pain....holy crap! I thought I was having a heart attack. No amount of simethicone (gas drops) could fix that pain. I had to walk, walk, and walk and take the meds as soon as I could have them.

I actually only had 1 legit breakdown. I honestly expected more. It was awful. I called for pain meds so I could get up and walk around and prayed that the meds would help. Well, I waited, waited, and waited. 2 hours. I was not a happy camper. I understand the nurses on the floor that I was on, have a number of patients. But, really....2 hours?!?!? So, when my nurse comes in and asks about my pain, I just lose it. Bad. Lost it for a good 20 minutes while he was standing there watching me. Very irritating. But, probably making sure my crazy ass doesn't hyperventilate because I  was on my way to hyperventilation.

Anywho, I was discharged after 2 days. Home was nice. My bed, not so nice. I never realized how much I use my stomach muscles to get out of bed. Ouch! It was tricky; trying not to cry getting out of bed, taking a much needed shower, picking up my cell phone charger that I dropped on the floor. I survived. I survived, because I have an amazing hubby that does anything I ask. Almost anything.

Now that I am roughly 10 days post-op, I am getting more comfortable, figuring out what foods I can and can not tolerate, and realizing that the weight comes off faster than I would ever believe. As of Wednesday, I am down 20lbs and my blood pressure was normal without any medications! Yoh see that....normal! And, 20lbs! Holy crap! It worked! I'm on my way!

Just a little disclaimer for you little readers, when you are bigger your whole life you begin to question if anything will work. It did. I'm alive. I'm very happy that I have started my journey. My life is beginning once again!

I have made a decision. A decision to make my life better. A decision that will hopefully bring me much happiness. A decision that will help me become healthier. A decision that will influence the rest of my life.

I have decided to get a gastric bypass.

I have struggled with being overweight my entire life. I have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, acid reflux,  pcos, and often a case of...I'm too fat to do that shit today.  I'm at the point in my life where I want to have children, be healthier, be able to play and run around with them, and want to be confident in myself.

My health is my main concern. If I want to have babies, I have to be healthier. I have quit smoking, watch what i eat, and have recently gone gluten free. I've messed up a bit, with being gluten free, here and there and then feel like crap for a few days, but hop right back on that GF wagon.  I have tried every diet known to man and have cried myself to sleep many nights wondering why this fat won't  budge and leave! I have overeaten, I've been embarrassed to eat out or at family functions, and have gone days without eating thinking maybe it will magically disappear. Clearly, I'm a wee bit delusional. At times, I envy the "skinny" people. In contrast, at times I don't give a crap.

I love (eyerolls),the skinny people that say "just work out", "don't eat so much", blah, blah, freakin blah. Few tidbits for the "friends" that think that....you can work out 7 days a week for hours at a time and you will lose the weight.  I could starve myself and still be overweight. I could do everything right, and still not lose a pound. I could do this or that and still be the big girl with fabulous hair.  The stereotypes that certain people give to other certain people are insulting, degradating, disrespectful, and just full of shit. If you are the bully or bullies that have walked past a happy big girl with fabulous hair  and have called that said big girl a "fat bitch"...

Shame. On. You. You don't know her story, you don't know what has happened to her, mind your own dang business and bully your other bully friends you jerk! If this has happened to you, you know what I'm talking about. It stings.  Hard. It is enraging. It is embarrassing. It is hard on the heart. And, just makes you want to cry. Then you have these wonderful friends that say "Who? What did they say? Which ones? We will beat them up". Great. That may make me all giddy inside for a few minutes, but not change the ignorance that these bullies possess. I could go on and on about all the assholes that I have encountered in my 35 years on this Earth. I remember every single one of them. Really, I do.

Many of my friends know that my surgical date is fastly approaching. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm giddy. I'm worried. Every single emotion you can think of is flooding my soon to be scrambled up insides. Im sure it will only get worse as the date gets closer. I know the risks. I know the rewards. I want kids and this is what I'm doing to get there.